I’ve held off writing about my grandfather’s passing for a while. I’m not sure what it’s about but I definitely was, and am deeply affected by it. I really have difficulty with what I’m feeling here, it’s a level of sadness I haven’t felt in a very long time. My Papa was always a cheerfull pleasant man, always happy to see us, always happy to have us visit. Constantly smiling, just an overall happy person. Would you believe even after a week and a half it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about his passing?
He died on May 2, at the age of 86. I’m still so torn up about it, it’s taken me several days to post this. I guess I don’t really have that much to say about it right now :(
May 15th, 2006
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Grymwulf |
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I don’t really have a big catchy title for this entry, I think trying to come up with a summary of what I’m feeling is self defeating. I’ve always been a stream of consciousness type of person, really only feeling strongly enough to write an entry while I’m thinking it. It’s almost like I live in a ‘haze’ of emotional fog, buffered from stronger feelings. But these feelings are not all negative, I’ve found that being on the medicines I’m on is like being swaddled in layers of cotton. Everything is so soft, so buffered, so remote that I can’t really feel strongly about something for longer than a couple of hours. It’s like I’m on auto-pilot drifting along trying to tread water, looking on everyone else.
I find it anoying in a way, being this remote. I’m so self centered this way, because that is the only thing I’m not completely buffered from. I try to motivate myself to reach out, hell just to motivate myself period, and it is so exhausting. I’m so tired of trying, so tired of everything. But it’s not only the medicines that are doing this, I do it to myself. I was like this before the medicines, before being ‘drugged up’. But it was worse that way, it was a never ending spiral into anger and anxiety. Almost completely out of control, panic attacks from even the simplest decisions.
That’s it for now, I’ll post more later, doing this at work passes the time, but can also be dangerous.
May 1st, 2006
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Grymwulf |
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